Ajima

 I know she is no more, I won’t see  her again  and there is a deep deep sense of loss and grief and pain that she is no more. 

She lived the longest amongst all my grandparents, the least stressed, so unassuming, never demanding, never seen her angry. It was like she learnt to live life on Ajaji’s terms, serving him always. I remember, since my childhood, on any particular day, it started with making coffee for Ajaji. Breakfast for him would be up next, followed by another coffee, or tea. Then lunch , evening tea, snack, dinner. This routine became quite rigorous after Ajaji had his appendicitis’s  operation. Occasionally, when he didn’t get his things on time, he would be very upset and angry but she just tolerated it. Sometimes he teased her until she gave up. Either she was immune to it or there was nothing abnormal or sad about these spurts. While I sat with bade Ajima on the “chapta” every evening having a brief chat or a story, Chote Ajima was always doing something for Ajaji. 

 When he was no more I thought she will get a change, a break of sorts.Surprisingly, I saw not much change in her, of course she missed him but her life didn’t change much. I didn’t see grief that stopped her life or complete loss of anchor for her own life. I think she was her own anchor and not Ajaji as I perceived. She continued to have discipline for her  life with  doing things autonomously, not depending on anyone. 

She was a warm smiling patient accommodative, self-sufficient, serving, unassuming and calm. Her one hug made up for all those missed in the past. She stayed so long with us, with so many of us, through different life stages.She stood there like time unwavering and strong. She had her quite presence. She laughed aloud like a little child. She cooked and served with so much kindness. when she kissed me, I felt a gush of love and care in an instant. She bound us all the longest with her gentleness. What a big and beautiful family Ajaji and Ajimas gave us!what role models they stood for! It makes me humble and proud to continue their legacy in many ways. To stay United any number of times we fight, to come back together whatever separates us, to find reasons to rejoice together, many more than to distance ourselves. 

It puts more responsibility on us as the grandchildren of this great couple/s to continue with the virtues they stood for, taught us and lived by. 

Mind, You!

Am I good  or not?
Am I as good as I think or not as much?
I know a lot, at the same time I feel I don't know a lot
I am sufficient and feel insufficient too
I am recognized but I also encounter being undervalued
I am performing a very important role as well as not critical enough
I have these moments where I swing like a Pendulum
At times, I am in full swing and at times I am frozen
I know in my head that it is my decision what I feel and what I want to see
My mind plays these games with me
I can visualize you, my mind, with two threads pulling one on me or another, based on something transient, like your mood!
I imagine not responding to your games and traps
I imagine being still and observing what happens if I don't fall for them
Not to laugh at what mind, you are doing ...
More to find the right place for you
For you to be a tool and me not be a victim 
Afterall, the world's a stage and we are mere players, mind, you and me included.

"Good" is a trash word!

 

"How is this?" Nihal asked,  after a few scattered hours on lego with his finished Ship cum Submarine. "Wow! That looks good!".I said. It looks great... big for sure to do it on his own, without a step wise manual. He sure used a lot of his creativity.  "Good is a trash" Nihal said.  "Why" I asked... "because it means many things" he said. "Our teacher asks us to use more words to describe."

"So, what do you think... How is this?"

"Hmmm... The design looks great! Wow it has a detachable flight to take off! It does shoot bullets if required and it shows your creativity and that you are increasingly enjoying playing with lego!"

With many hours of work on it and a lot of improvisation "good" did no justice , it wasn't just good enough!

Make it Simple but Significant.

“Should we meet tomorrow for lunch?” The text read. “yes,Sure!” I responded, thinking to myself of the nice opportunity to meet and interact with another family. Amidst isolation and restrictions due to COVID 19, such invitations are rare. I met the couple twice with their young boy pre Covid. We struck off well, common nationality and community lent to our relatable conversations, perhaps. 

The next day I drove to their apartment with my two children. We parked the car at a distance and walked towards their apartment in no hurry until we felt the pitter patter rain drops all over us. In less than 5 minutes we found ourselves at the main gate. I reached for my mobile hurriedly to avoid soaking in our winter coats. “Hi, we are at the main gate” , I said. “I will be there in a bit”, she sounded anticipating. A couple of minutes later, I saw her walking with her four year old to help us in through the security gate. 

We exchanged a “ How are you doing?” as we hurried to protect ourselves from the continuing drops of rain. We were soon in the lobby, approaching the lift and reached their apartment. Her husband awaited us at the door. Another “How have you been?” followed, as we lightened ourselves of the heavy coats and winter shoes. We mindfully resorted to our latest learning of hand wash and then settled in the couch.

We got talking , not knowing a lot about each other. Some conversations need effort to get started and some others need the effort even take a pause. They weren’t many pauses as we continued conversing. The topics transitioned from Safety during COVID to parents back home to a common interest in farming to arts....until I had a bang in my head due to pangs in my stomach.  “Should we continue talking as we eat, I am sure the kids must be hungry too”, I said aloud.... thinking “I really need to eat NOW!”

We set the table. Being too many for the chairs, we decided to have a sit down on the floor lunch, Desi(Indian) style. As we uncovered the lids the food smelled aromatic, the dishes with a range of an everyday mouth watering Indian meal. The pulses, the pickles with clarified butter and steamed rice! The food was delicious! To top it all, home made Ariselu, a South Indian sweet delicacy that is far from easy to make. 

The conversation continued through the lunch interspersed with “wow! This tastes good”, “Mmmm” expressions from us. My son, who was in the background playing with the little boy finally yielded to hunger and savored the home made meal. Soon after, we had to leave to be in time for our next engagement.

As we were putting on our shoes and the coats, “We have been wanting to invite you since last year, it finally materialized” she said smiling. “I am glad it did, we had a great time knowing you all better” I responded . Such came to an end a very warm meeting.

 “I really enjoyed it, how about you?” I asked my children on our drive back. “yeah... it was good” said my daughter as her typical response where she was neither too bored nor too excited. “The little boy could have shared his toys with me” said my boy  complaining about another half his age. “ The food was homely and tasty” I said. “I wonder why I fuss so much when we invite someone over? Listing what we will make, looking up recipes, shopping for ingredients.... it’s a bit too much right?” I muttered. “I should learn to keep it simple and spontaneous” “That’s what I tell you every time, Amma” said my daughter. With those thoughts we reached home and got back into our routine.

We exchanged messages of mutual gratitude the next day, soon followed a telephone call. After some initial exchange, “We wanted to invite you all since last year but honestly I wasn’t so confident  about my cooking. It’s only now that I feel better prepared  to cook a good meal. I am so glad that you liked all that I made.” She said in her soft humble tone. I felt like a boulder hit me. “It’s been a year since you wanted to have us over? You took time to pursue that intent and waited until you felt confident to invite us?. In comparison the few days of fuss and stress that I experience is nothing” I told myself reassuringly. 

A lot of perseverance was hiding behind my perceived simple and homely lunch. I felt grateful and thankful to receive all the warmth and kindness.