Me Vs Me

"Hey! Howz  ya life? " with a warm smile, enhanced from the cinnamon tea.

"Great! it is !" With a zesty chuckle to match the Orange ‘zestea’

"Tell me more!" Lying somewhere between childlike curiosity and unchildlike jealousy. 

"Well! I have everything I need to be happy. 

The essentials like food  and shelter,

A loving family, Time to keep myself fit and have fun.

I play with kids,  soak in Netflix or News

I work relentlessly or take a break

That's an awesome lot for me! “ in one long breath , as if it was rehearsed but sounding utterly spontaneous.

“That’s about me, Your turn now : How's Work?" Pulling oneself from the sweetness of life and politely interested in the other. 

"Just fine......., ya......." a tad boringly.

"You don't seem fired up... Why  so?" Queerly

"I  have some work ,but not too much.

I have timelines , but not enough pushed.

I have peaks, but much comfort.

It's interesting, but not kick ass exciting.." drearily... insipidly.....uninterestingly

Hopefully “Hmm I hear that.....

What would make you feeling Great?"

Aspiringly ".... like managing a significant budget and team responsibility, a leadership position, why not add a promotion on top?"

"Sounds Elevating, and.....What will that give you in addition?", constructively. 

Dreamily, “Hmm let's see - Excitement each work day, being on the run,  a feeling of critical contribution,  some fame,  may be more money!"

"That sounds quite attractive,  Are all of those outcomes assured?" Innocently.

"You see, these are possibilities but no one can be certain." With certainty

"What do you say are the odds?"

"One to one .. equal at the least."

"Whoow.. Wouldn't you want great work like that? "

Firmly "If  I am at 'great work' my friend, I doubt with considerable seriousness if one can retain  your 'great life'!" 

"Hang on..That sounds like a threat. Are they strictly exclusive?" Meekly 

"Won’t say that! There are possibilities of an overlap, I won’t bet on the extent though," tad doubtfully

"Spell your odds!”

"At least half and half” with a crooked smile.

"Have you been at great work before?"curiously 

"Yes,, Been there..." Surrounded with Pride and bordered with arrogance.

"How did the odds work?"

"Now, you are getting too personal." Hot potato.. Ouch!

Apologetically,  

"Sorry, I will stay out of that. With such odds would you give  great work a chance?"

Indifferently, “Not Sure”

My first Happy Place.

 The Google maps showed 30 mins drive,  the farthest since I landed in this country.  I have been wanting to go to a temple since our last temple visit in Paris during the visa trip.  The temple schedule on the Internet showed bhajans led by a family at 10.30 a.m.  I will just about make it if I leave after finishing preparing for lunch, I thought. 

I was at the driving seat at 03  mins past 10. I input the destination on the car navigation and set to drive.  Sunday it is and seemed like not too many cars on the road,  a boon for a still new driver in US.  As I drove paying more attention than normal to the  traffic lights,  the lanes and the speed limits,  the sky closed with dark clouds and in no time it rained and poured.  The visibility was low and it stuck me that I didn't carry my umbrella which  is not a smart thing in a place like mobile , titled the rainiest city in United States! From the serious  , attention focused expression,  there was a smile on my face  which was difficult to explain as the windshield was pitter patted with the heavy rain. 

Getting to the last of the 13 miles ( that's 20 odd Km), the rain slowed down and a I took the left turn to enter the temple parking,  it stopped.  About 36 mins past 10, and I was there. I parked the car and walked towards the temple door. I found nearly 30 pairs of footwear left on either side of the door which also  had a huge footwear stand with a note " Please leave your footwear on the stand" holding not more than 3 pairs, one of them, mine. 

I entered into a large, a very large hall that can seat 500 people in theatre style. Right in front were a number of deities  lined from left to right from Lord Ganesha, Lord Subrahmanya, Lord Venkateswara, Lord Rama, lakshmana, Sita, Hanuman,  Lord Krishna with Radha, Lord Shiva & Parvati, Goddess Durga and Shirdi SaiBaba.  On the left side of this hall separated by a curtain was someone at the microphone teaching children some Slokas and prayers especially around Guru Purnima that recently passed.  

I offered prayers in the temple and went to join in the learning slokas with the children.  I learnt some new prayers and we chanted together for 30 mins after which the children's session came to an end . Just a couple of minutes later you could hear the Bhajan starting on the temple side.  After a quick exchange with Saritha, I joined in the Bhajan. There were 5-7 people  sitting  on the floor  and about 10 others on chairs just behind.  Everyone was  singing from a book and I reached out to one of several copies  kept to a side.  

After this point,  there was no thinking involved.  It was flowing with the order of bhajans and / or random page numbers someone from the  group would call out and we would together do the bhajan / Kirtan printed on that page.  

As I sat there,  I had a feeling of elevation, like a double promotion of sorts we had in school to skip a class,  to be here. As I hummed the bhajans with everyone,  my eyes would fill up from time to time and my voice choked.  I realised how much I needed to be doing this. There was no other thought,  just a presence . I felt grateful and blessed.  

After an hour,  was the arati which all of us got to do it by turns and a closing by the temple poojari. We all stood in a queue for the Teertham and prasadam. 

I met people who have been here for 40 years and started with praying together in their house as the temple came up only 4 years ago.  Made a few more exchanges and intros,  shared a quick bite with them and took leave. 

I came back feeling energized , exactly as after each samagamam or a long pooja. I know now where to access this space that fills me and humbles me. 

Ajima

 I know she is no more, I won’t see  her again  and there is a deep deep sense of loss and grief and pain that she is no more. 

She lived the longest amongst all my grandparents, the least stressed, so unassuming, never demanding, never seen her angry. It was like she learnt to live life on Ajaji’s terms, serving him always. I remember, since my childhood, on any particular day, it started with making coffee for Ajaji. Breakfast for him would be up next, followed by another coffee, or tea. Then lunch , evening tea, snack, dinner. This routine became quite rigorous after Ajaji had his appendicitis’s  operation. Occasionally, when he didn’t get his things on time, he would be very upset and angry but she just tolerated it. Sometimes he teased her until she gave up. Either she was immune to it or there was nothing abnormal or sad about these spurts. While I sat with bade Ajima on the “chapta” every evening having a brief chat or a story, Chote Ajima was always doing something for Ajaji. 

 When he was no more I thought she will get a change, a break of sorts.Surprisingly, I saw not much change in her, of course she missed him but her life didn’t change much. I didn’t see grief that stopped her life or complete loss of anchor for her own life. I think she was her own anchor and not Ajaji as I perceived. She continued to have discipline for her  life with  doing things autonomously, not depending on anyone. 

She was a warm smiling patient accommodative, self-sufficient, serving, unassuming and calm. Her one hug made up for all those missed in the past. She stayed so long with us, with so many of us, through different life stages.She stood there like time unwavering and strong. She had her quite presence. She laughed aloud like a little child. She cooked and served with so much kindness. when she kissed me, I felt a gush of love and care in an instant. She bound us all the longest with her gentleness. What a big and beautiful family Ajaji and Ajimas gave us!what role models they stood for! It makes me humble and proud to continue their legacy in many ways. To stay United any number of times we fight, to come back together whatever separates us, to find reasons to rejoice together, many more than to distance ourselves. 

It puts more responsibility on us as the grandchildren of this great couple/s to continue with the virtues they stood for, taught us and lived by. 

Mind, You!

Am I good  or not?
Am I as good as I think or not as much?
I know a lot, at the same time I feel I don't know a lot
I am sufficient and feel insufficient too
I am recognized but I also encounter being undervalued
I am performing a very important role as well as not critical enough
I have these moments where I swing like a Pendulum
At times, I am in full swing and at times I am frozen
I know in my head that it is my decision what I feel and what I want to see
My mind plays these games with me
I can visualize you, my mind, with two threads pulling one on me or another, based on something transient, like your mood!
I imagine not responding to your games and traps
I imagine being still and observing what happens if I don't fall for them
Not to laugh at what mind, you are doing ...
More to find the right place for you
For you to be a tool and me not be a victim 
Afterall, the world's a stage and we are mere players, mind, you and me included.

"Good" is a trash word!

 

"How is this?" Nihal asked,  after a few scattered hours on lego with his finished Ship cum Submarine. "Wow! That looks good!".I said. It looks great... big for sure to do it on his own, without a step wise manual. He sure used a lot of his creativity.  "Good is a trash" Nihal said.  "Why" I asked... "because it means many things" he said. "Our teacher asks us to use more words to describe."

"So, what do you think... How is this?"

"Hmmm... The design looks great! Wow it has a detachable flight to take off! It does shoot bullets if required and it shows your creativity and that you are increasingly enjoying playing with lego!"

With many hours of work on it and a lot of improvisation "good" did no justice , it wasn't just good enough!

Make it Simple but Significant.

“Should we meet tomorrow for lunch?” The text read. “yes,Sure!” I responded, thinking to myself of the nice opportunity to meet and interact with another family. Amidst isolation and restrictions due to COVID 19, such invitations are rare. I met the couple twice with their young boy pre Covid. We struck off well, common nationality and community lent to our relatable conversations, perhaps. 

The next day I drove to their apartment with my two children. We parked the car at a distance and walked towards their apartment in no hurry until we felt the pitter patter rain drops all over us. In less than 5 minutes we found ourselves at the main gate. I reached for my mobile hurriedly to avoid soaking in our winter coats. “Hi, we are at the main gate” , I said. “I will be there in a bit”, she sounded anticipating. A couple of minutes later, I saw her walking with her four year old to help us in through the security gate. 

We exchanged a “ How are you doing?” as we hurried to protect ourselves from the continuing drops of rain. We were soon in the lobby, approaching the lift and reached their apartment. Her husband awaited us at the door. Another “How have you been?” followed, as we lightened ourselves of the heavy coats and winter shoes. We mindfully resorted to our latest learning of hand wash and then settled in the couch.

We got talking , not knowing a lot about each other. Some conversations need effort to get started and some others need the effort even take a pause. They weren’t many pauses as we continued conversing. The topics transitioned from Safety during COVID to parents back home to a common interest in farming to arts....until I had a bang in my head due to pangs in my stomach.  “Should we continue talking as we eat, I am sure the kids must be hungry too”, I said aloud.... thinking “I really need to eat NOW!”

We set the table. Being too many for the chairs, we decided to have a sit down on the floor lunch, Desi(Indian) style. As we uncovered the lids the food smelled aromatic, the dishes with a range of an everyday mouth watering Indian meal. The pulses, the pickles with clarified butter and steamed rice! The food was delicious! To top it all, home made Ariselu, a South Indian sweet delicacy that is far from easy to make. 

The conversation continued through the lunch interspersed with “wow! This tastes good”, “Mmmm” expressions from us. My son, who was in the background playing with the little boy finally yielded to hunger and savored the home made meal. Soon after, we had to leave to be in time for our next engagement.

As we were putting on our shoes and the coats, “We have been wanting to invite you since last year, it finally materialized” she said smiling. “I am glad it did, we had a great time knowing you all better” I responded . Such came to an end a very warm meeting.

 “I really enjoyed it, how about you?” I asked my children on our drive back. “yeah... it was good” said my daughter as her typical response where she was neither too bored nor too excited. “The little boy could have shared his toys with me” said my boy  complaining about another half his age. “ The food was homely and tasty” I said. “I wonder why I fuss so much when we invite someone over? Listing what we will make, looking up recipes, shopping for ingredients.... it’s a bit too much right?” I muttered. “I should learn to keep it simple and spontaneous” “That’s what I tell you every time, Amma” said my daughter. With those thoughts we reached home and got back into our routine.

We exchanged messages of mutual gratitude the next day, soon followed a telephone call. After some initial exchange, “We wanted to invite you all since last year but honestly I wasn’t so confident  about my cooking. It’s only now that I feel better prepared  to cook a good meal. I am so glad that you liked all that I made.” She said in her soft humble tone. I felt like a boulder hit me. “It’s been a year since you wanted to have us over? You took time to pursue that intent and waited until you felt confident to invite us?. In comparison the few days of fuss and stress that I experience is nothing” I told myself reassuringly. 

A lot of perseverance was hiding behind my perceived simple and homely lunch. I felt grateful and thankful to receive all the warmth and kindness.

Diwali in the spirit of Christmas!?.

Have you done that? Celebrating Diwali in the spirit of Christmas?

I did that last couple years. I celebrated Diwali, the Indian Festival of Lights that is celebrated by lighting many lamps to dispelling darkness also from our lives, hearts and minds. We pray for wellness and prosperity. We share this excitement and love with family and friends wishing them well. 

The last two years we celebrated celebrated Diwali in a foreign country. It was of course different, we bought lamps and decorations and even crackers from the huge excitement that starts in end of October for Christmas in December. To make up missing friends and family back home, Indian families got together in small or large groups attempting to create the atmosphere back home and share with each other the spirit of Diwali. Having non-Indian friends over became a good opportunity to building new relationships and sharing the richness of the festival to others. 

This year, of course isn’t normal for anybody in anyway ,how could we have a normal Diwali? Because the coronavirus infections were soaring exponentially in France the government suddenly decided to impose a lockdown with less notice as 24 hours. The conditions included absolutely no socializing with family or friends, shutting down of all restaurants and non essential shopping. In fact, it turned out that while certain shops were open for essential goods all the nonessential items were cordoned off and not available for purchase. This time the Diwali shopping here included a visit to the stores hoping to find something that could beautify our Diwali and bring the festive spirit only to see that it was not available for purchase.No new decorations, no flowers for the puja, no new additions in the house . We were lucky to find sparkles that still helped us keep up with the tradition of Diwali.

We finally had a nice, little, quiet, yet a beautiful festival. we managed to do the Rangoli, the decorations, the sweet dish ( I didn’t buy haldirams gulab jamuns as usual, made Kaju Peda instead, well it stared as Kaju Barfi) at home, a special dinner, we had flowers from the garden and some lights to decorate the prayer place. Oh! we needed so little from outside. Finally with a bit of disappointment, a bit more nostalgia and a strong festive fervour, another Diwali well spent. However I am still asking myself if I would want to celebrate Diwali in the spirit of Christmas?