Diwali in the spirit of Christmas!?.

Have you done that? Celebrating Diwali in the spirit of Christmas?

I did that last couple years. I celebrated Diwali, the Indian Festival of Lights that is celebrated by lighting many lamps to dispelling darkness also from our lives, hearts and minds. We pray for wellness and prosperity. We share this excitement and love with family and friends wishing them well. 

The last two years we celebrated celebrated Diwali in a foreign country. It was of course different, we bought lamps and decorations and even crackers from the huge excitement that starts in end of October for Christmas in December. To make up missing friends and family back home, Indian families got together in small or large groups attempting to create the atmosphere back home and share with each other the spirit of Diwali. Having non-Indian friends over became a good opportunity to building new relationships and sharing the richness of the festival to others. 

This year, of course isn’t normal for anybody in anyway ,how could we have a normal Diwali? Because the coronavirus infections were soaring exponentially in France the government suddenly decided to impose a lockdown with less notice as 24 hours. The conditions included absolutely no socializing with family or friends, shutting down of all restaurants and non essential shopping. In fact, it turned out that while certain shops were open for essential goods all the nonessential items were cordoned off and not available for purchase. This time the Diwali shopping here included a visit to the stores hoping to find something that could beautify our Diwali and bring the festive spirit only to see that it was not available for purchase.No new decorations, no flowers for the puja, no new additions in the house . We were lucky to find sparkles that still helped us keep up with the tradition of Diwali.

We finally had a nice, little, quiet, yet a beautiful festival. we managed to do the Rangoli, the decorations, the sweet dish ( I didn’t buy haldirams gulab jamuns as usual, made Kaju Peda instead, well it stared as Kaju Barfi) at home, a special dinner, we had flowers from the garden and some lights to decorate the prayer place. Oh! we needed so little from outside. Finally with a bit of disappointment, a bit more nostalgia and a strong festive fervour, another Diwali well spent. However I am still asking myself if I would want to celebrate Diwali in the spirit of Christmas? 

Three Cheers to Three Years!

Disclaimer:  what is here is not true in absolute sense but perceived by me and my truth. There is no intention to hurt any beliefs or sentiments.

Three years since I landed in France with my two babies  My girl, 9 years and my little boy , all of 5. It has been a roll a coaster adventure to say the least with my husband not being able to move until months later. I  fell on the road, bought rocket leaves thinking spinach, was sleepless for weeks and my daily exercise was translating tons of necessary documents from French for our everyday life .........and the list goes on. The only target I had for the day is to get through the day still being sane. Three years later, it’s a HUGE transformation in my mind. Without further overwhelming, here is a humble ode to my journey. 

Three years in France and here are my list of threes!

Three top lessons I learnt

1. The foreign country does not score better than my own for purely logical reasons, emotions aside

2. I am an explorer at heart but I still miss home

3. Indian cuisine is grossly underrated and shamelessly  adulterated in this part of the world

Three surprises

1. India is technologically far advanced (Online banking transactions, online Filing of incometax returns, order online food ) 

2. French seems to be “the”  Only language in this world ( Ok fine, just a bit of exaggeration that is but not considerable)  

3. I expected to find esoteric professional competence, I was surprised that in addition to enough learning , there is equally enough to contribute.

Three culture shocks (The basis for all three, the way I perceive is that sharing your time and life with someone you love is important) 

1. The separation percentage of couples

2. Children’s partners moving in with parents without financial independence or formal relationship commitment

3. People looking for companionship / partners at all ages

Three blessings

1.  Mahagathe as a spiritual path and Gurudev Venerable Mahamuni Sritha Mahagatha‘s guidance

2. My close friend, Arati as a transition coach

3. Nikki as my manager

Three immensely helpful people

1. Monica Hajek  - Countless Helps

2. Marine Bracq - helped to hire the first car in the week I landed and gave me first driving lessons in France

3. Shweta - was picking my kids from school when I couldn’t get there in time.

Three biggest moments

1. When Kalyan, my husband got a job in Airbus, France on his own merit ( Since French companies are highly and conservatively protected by labor unions, hiring a foreign national on a local contract is “something”)

2. The trip to Disneyland

3. Having my parents visit France

Three achievements

1. French Driving license

2. Change leading an area I had no clue about 

3. Surviving 8 months Settling in a new country without my Biggest strength, my partner and soulmate

Three life skills

1. Cooking ( Ab cooking se dar nahi Lagta babuji... bahar Khane se lagta hai)

2. Cleaning ( read end to end, the house, the lawn, the garage......the kitchen draws, cobwebs......You know there isn’t an end to this list.)

3. Self Grooming ( If I even had an inkling I had so much potential, I would have saved myself... millions of paisas ;-) and a hell of time)

Three things that weren’t possible in India

1. Super many holidays

2. A walk 10 mins away from home and I can hear nothing but just my breadth

3. Driving my mini cabriole with an open roof and saying  to myself “C’est la Vie _ This is life

I ask myself if I would do it again to go through all the pain and it’s hard to say yes. Have you heard that  “No pain, No gain “ or “Gold Is distilled after a lot of burning and purification” or even “ there is no development without destruction”. It has been worth the pain, the exposure, the pleasure and realizing the value of what India has to offer, would not be possible otherwise..... so it’s a YES......  YES......YES!

Do you mean what you say?

 

I have always been fascinated with Communication, it’s ubiquitous presence whether we are consciously communicating or not and yet our failure at it so often. In all my working years, across cultures, across companies, this topic has never been out of fashion!
Recounting one experience and thoughts from it..

In my HRBP days, with a young first time manager, we were discussing a situation that he encountered in his team. One of his team members was in near tears, explaining a personal situation that came in his way of meeting the project timelines. In the manager’s words “I could see he was lying through his teeth and I didn’t believe a single word of what he was saying”, closely followed by “How do I sound empathetic in this situation?” I heard an imaginable Akashvani “ You don’t seem to even trust him, how can you express empathy which is much farther?” We come across such examples in our everyday life at work , at a coffee shop or with our family where we express or not something and wonder in hind sight what should I have said to have created a desired impact?

When we talk about learning better communication, it needs to start with what am I feeling, if the context relates to exchange of emotions or if it Is a cognitive subject, begin with what is my belief on the topic and how can I express it? Communication represents the branches, the leaves, the flowers and fruits, all external manifestations of a tree. However, these stem from what lies beneath, the seed that has been sowed. If you have a bitter gourd seed within, don’t expect to deliver apples ! 

There is a rather strong connection to acknowledge what’s going on inside before focusing on improving communication skills in isolation. If I am going to negotiate with my customer and want her to believe that it’s win win solution, I would spend considerable time to examine if I really believe in win-win or 80-20. In managing my team, if I do not want to come across as top down , I will take time to reflect if I believe in status orientation or egalitarianism in this context. Those who fake contrary to this may convince some people some of the time but cannot do it consistently with most people most of the time.

In the absence of this clarity and alignment, authenticity and credibility come crashing down and a chase to be an effective communicator will only be a moving target. The bitter gourd or apple essence will linger through what we say, what we do, our questions, comments or even our silence!

To Be or To Be

At the moment I am in a special situation. I live in a foreign country and I am employed in an industry that is heavily impacted by the Covid crisis. In all the uncertainty around me about the future, job, role, work and unprecedented transformation in all walks of life, there is the certainty of one thing that I didn’t experience pre covid........that certainty is of time. I have never ever before this experienced time ... in seconds, minutes and hours only in days and months.

For the past few months I haven’t had full working weeks, I worked between two to four days a week but not all five! When I was about to enter this phase, I had this huge excitement and anticipation of ample time ahead of me. Like a child awaiting summer vacation, I created a long list of all that I wanted to do, wanted to learn and wanted to accomplish in this extraordinary leisure that I was going to get. Today over 5 months of that anticipated leisure has gone past, where I didn’t  have to get to office by a certain time, didn’t have to work around the school schedule for children and a steep drop in official meetings. At the end of each week I do not have a sense of accomplishment, in fact sometimes I fight uselessness, as a feeling. I am left with thoughts about what I could have achieved or I would have liked to do with my time,  wondering what I would do if I was in my country, what if I was on my farm....possibly started on the distant agri business dream, how I could possibly help my family’s’ needs relating to their wellness and the list runs long. At some point continuing to look at what I couldn’t do is very exhausting so I decided to look back and say If I haven’t achieved or accomplished lots of things then what did I do at all?

I realized I didn’t accomplish much and that in itself is something big that I achieved in last 20 years of my life. Over the past few months I experienced what it means  when I was not doing much to fill my days with lots of activities. In all the available time, I exercised freely, I meditated by choice, I did not miss any of my dance classes . I met more families regularly than I did before. I spent immense time with my children. I have complete control on my now clean house! I could turn out some delicious traditional dishes that I always outsourced and even started growing herbs. In fact by not doing anything (in my own thinking learning a new professional skill, doing a course or picking up a certification), I found a space to be stress-free, to not be overly anticipating the future and taking each day as it comes. 

Going forward when somebody asks me what have you been up to? I will be lot more comfortable to say I’m doing nothing much these days and then smile to myself because I know what not doing anything really means to me now.

Rome

Three days in Rome on my first ever solo trip was fascinating and fulfilling. I am left with a feeling that ancient Roman Empire was significantly about Power and Politics. The stories of Romulus, Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, Nero, the Trojan war, the history of the Vatican all contributing to this impression. The architecture  is wonderful, the need for luxury is evident. The story of the gladiators  and the entire slavery and social class divisions, women being the second rated citizens in general  was kind of a logic, power, glamour, riches personified with a soul missing. Of course history is created by what is narrated but I heard the same from three different guides and felt it through their stories.

Apart from the history, Rome as a city is beautiful. The food is great, people are extremely friendly and Gelato makes a great dessert for sure. The roads are broad with large pavements giving the impression of the great expanse of the Romans. All buildings seem to have equal number of floors as if the entire city is a well planned, intricately crafted mock up.

Some unexpected moments of the tour include the accidental Thai massage, my wallet soaked in water with my water bottle leaking in my bag, GPS signal failing when I had 10 mins to reach the meeting point for my guided tour and a complete loss of address for another tour, another minute of delay meant I could no longer see the Domus aurea tour. I narrowly escaped losing on one of the better parts of my trip.I discovered John Keats, romanticism as a genre and grotesque as an art form.

All in all, A beautiful time for myself in a gorgeous place! I found the energy in being by myself discovering a new world, with no one around to share with immediately helps to soak all of it yourself.

 Today when Italy is so badly hit with the Corona pandemic ,  I feel extra privileged experiencing a slice of  its beauty, the history and its unique charm.

A test of Self Discipline - Free Rein

What is self discipline? I asked my two children on the dinner table continuing a conversation that seemed to be at loggerheads with the subject.

In the Covid 19, first lockdown Scenario, the unexpected absence of school form, access to new freedom, passing over of screen time tracking and bedtime as the normal was making the adaptation harder. 

Back at the table, the silence felt loud,  while we all warmed up to engage in the conversation.

The first chance to answer such questions typically goes to the older one who just entered secondary school. She managed to explain the definition as disciplining oneself. “Is it necessary ...why?” I asked. “Without it, I am doing whatever I want.” She said. “Examples...”. She went on to explain the points what she was meant to do, had the potential to do but wasn’t doing on a “regular basis”. For a 11 year old, her maturity made me proud. I wanted to go across the table and give her a tight hug. In contrast, I continued to keep my tone and posture , succumbing to the pressure of acceptable social behavior(as per my reference) to create the right impact in the setting.

Our initial plan was to bring this up only with our daughter and let our second one, a seven year old in his mid primary, observe, listen and learn. As we summarized with her, he seemed to be primed for his turn. He did a good job of absorbing and creatively reproducing what he just heard. Surprisingly, he added that he cannot be self disciplined every moment and every day(pleased again and completely understandable). We all agreed on some means as a regular check if they are following self discipline or not. 

Phew! We navigated through that conversation smoothly without remarks like “oh well! our world is different from what you grew up in”, or “Fine ma....but It does’nt work for me” leading the conversation nowhere. 

Over the last few days our approach progressed from Instructions to Questions - “Is this a part of self discipline we agreed?” Consequently, it’s a lot less directing, explaining and saving energy from cause and effect of every action. It triggers a non intrusive transition to action against arguments. The success of this conversation narrowly missing a cul-de-sac, stuck me with ease. Do you see it already? If you said equiry... I would say Bingo! 

It is working! I hope sincerely,  this has a longer shelf life because it has brought a considerable harmony in what is and needs to be.......and reinforced in me the power of questioning, also in parenting.