Do you mean what you say?

 

I have always been fascinated with Communication, it’s ubiquitous presence whether we are consciously communicating or not and yet our failure at it so often. In all my working years, across cultures, across companies, this topic has never been out of fashion!
Recounting one experience and thoughts from it..

In my HRBP days, with a young first time manager, we were discussing a situation that he encountered in his team. One of his team members was in near tears, explaining a personal situation that came in his way of meeting the project timelines. In the manager’s words “I could see he was lying through his teeth and I didn’t believe a single word of what he was saying”, closely followed by “How do I sound empathetic in this situation?” I heard an imaginable Akashvani “ You don’t seem to even trust him, how can you express empathy which is much farther?” We come across such examples in our everyday life at work , at a coffee shop or with our family where we express or not something and wonder in hind sight what should I have said to have created a desired impact?

When we talk about learning better communication, it needs to start with what am I feeling, if the context relates to exchange of emotions or if it Is a cognitive subject, begin with what is my belief on the topic and how can I express it? Communication represents the branches, the leaves, the flowers and fruits, all external manifestations of a tree. However, these stem from what lies beneath, the seed that has been sowed. If you have a bitter gourd seed within, don’t expect to deliver apples ! 

There is a rather strong connection to acknowledge what’s going on inside before focusing on improving communication skills in isolation. If I am going to negotiate with my customer and want her to believe that it’s win win solution, I would spend considerable time to examine if I really believe in win-win or 80-20. In managing my team, if I do not want to come across as top down , I will take time to reflect if I believe in status orientation or egalitarianism in this context. Those who fake contrary to this may convince some people some of the time but cannot do it consistently with most people most of the time.

In the absence of this clarity and alignment, authenticity and credibility come crashing down and a chase to be an effective communicator will only be a moving target. The bitter gourd or apple essence will linger through what we say, what we do, our questions, comments or even our silence!