Three Cheers to Three Years!

Disclaimer:  what is here is not true in absolute sense but perceived by me and my truth. There is no intention to hurt any beliefs or sentiments.

Three years since I landed in France with my two babies  My girl, 9 years and my little boy , all of 5. It has been a roll a coaster adventure to say the least with my husband not being able to move until months later. I  fell on the road, bought rocket leaves thinking spinach, was sleepless for weeks and my daily exercise was translating tons of necessary documents from French for our everyday life .........and the list goes on. The only target I had for the day is to get through the day still being sane. Three years later, it’s a HUGE transformation in my mind. Without further overwhelming, here is a humble ode to my journey. 

Three years in France and here are my list of threes!

Three top lessons I learnt

1. The foreign country does not score better than my own for purely logical reasons, emotions aside

2. I am an explorer at heart but I still miss home

3. Indian cuisine is grossly underrated and shamelessly  adulterated in this part of the world

Three surprises

1. India is technologically far advanced (Online banking transactions, online Filing of incometax returns, order online food ) 

2. French seems to be “the”  Only language in this world ( Ok fine, just a bit of exaggeration that is but not considerable)  

3. I expected to find esoteric professional competence, I was surprised that in addition to enough learning , there is equally enough to contribute.

Three culture shocks (The basis for all three, the way I perceive is that sharing your time and life with someone you love is important) 

1. The separation percentage of couples

2. Children’s partners moving in with parents without financial independence or formal relationship commitment

3. People looking for companionship / partners at all ages

Three blessings

1.  Mahagathe as a spiritual path and Gurudev Venerable Mahamuni Sritha Mahagatha‘s guidance

2. My close friend, Arati as a transition coach

3. Nikki as my manager

Three immensely helpful people

1. Monica Hajek  - Countless Helps

2. Marine Bracq - helped to hire the first car in the week I landed and gave me first driving lessons in France

3. Shweta - was picking my kids from school when I couldn’t get there in time.

Three biggest moments

1. When Kalyan, my husband got a job in Airbus, France on his own merit ( Since French companies are highly and conservatively protected by labor unions, hiring a foreign national on a local contract is “something”)

2. The trip to Disneyland

3. Having my parents visit France

Three achievements

1. French Driving license

2. Change leading an area I had no clue about 

3. Surviving 8 months Settling in a new country without my Biggest strength, my partner and soulmate

Three life skills

1. Cooking ( Ab cooking se dar nahi Lagta babuji... bahar Khane se lagta hai)

2. Cleaning ( read end to end, the house, the lawn, the garage......the kitchen draws, cobwebs......You know there isn’t an end to this list.)

3. Self Grooming ( If I even had an inkling I had so much potential, I would have saved myself... millions of paisas ;-) and a hell of time)

Three things that weren’t possible in India

1. Super many holidays

2. A walk 10 mins away from home and I can hear nothing but just my breadth

3. Driving my mini cabriole with an open roof and saying  to myself “C’est la Vie _ This is life

I ask myself if I would do it again to go through all the pain and it’s hard to say yes. Have you heard that  “No pain, No gain “ or “Gold Is distilled after a lot of burning and purification” or even “ there is no development without destruction”. It has been worth the pain, the exposure, the pleasure and realizing the value of what India has to offer, would not be possible otherwise..... so it’s a YES......  YES......YES!

Do you mean what you say?

 

I have always been fascinated with Communication, it’s ubiquitous presence whether we are consciously communicating or not and yet our failure at it so often. In all my working years, across cultures, across companies, this topic has never been out of fashion!
Recounting one experience and thoughts from it..

In my HRBP days, with a young first time manager, we were discussing a situation that he encountered in his team. One of his team members was in near tears, explaining a personal situation that came in his way of meeting the project timelines. In the manager’s words “I could see he was lying through his teeth and I didn’t believe a single word of what he was saying”, closely followed by “How do I sound empathetic in this situation?” I heard an imaginable Akashvani “ You don’t seem to even trust him, how can you express empathy which is much farther?” We come across such examples in our everyday life at work , at a coffee shop or with our family where we express or not something and wonder in hind sight what should I have said to have created a desired impact?

When we talk about learning better communication, it needs to start with what am I feeling, if the context relates to exchange of emotions or if it Is a cognitive subject, begin with what is my belief on the topic and how can I express it? Communication represents the branches, the leaves, the flowers and fruits, all external manifestations of a tree. However, these stem from what lies beneath, the seed that has been sowed. If you have a bitter gourd seed within, don’t expect to deliver apples ! 

There is a rather strong connection to acknowledge what’s going on inside before focusing on improving communication skills in isolation. If I am going to negotiate with my customer and want her to believe that it’s win win solution, I would spend considerable time to examine if I really believe in win-win or 80-20. In managing my team, if I do not want to come across as top down , I will take time to reflect if I believe in status orientation or egalitarianism in this context. Those who fake contrary to this may convince some people some of the time but cannot do it consistently with most people most of the time.

In the absence of this clarity and alignment, authenticity and credibility come crashing down and a chase to be an effective communicator will only be a moving target. The bitter gourd or apple essence will linger through what we say, what we do, our questions, comments or even our silence!

To Be or To Be

At the moment I am in a special situation. I live in a foreign country and I am employed in an industry that is heavily impacted by the Covid crisis. In all the uncertainty around me about the future, job, role, work and unprecedented transformation in all walks of life, there is the certainty of one thing that I didn’t experience pre covid........that certainty is of time. I have never ever before this experienced time ... in seconds, minutes and hours only in days and months.

For the past few months I haven’t had full working weeks, I worked between two to four days a week but not all five! When I was about to enter this phase, I had this huge excitement and anticipation of ample time ahead of me. Like a child awaiting summer vacation, I created a long list of all that I wanted to do, wanted to learn and wanted to accomplish in this extraordinary leisure that I was going to get. Today over 5 months of that anticipated leisure has gone past, where I didn’t  have to get to office by a certain time, didn’t have to work around the school schedule for children and a steep drop in official meetings. At the end of each week I do not have a sense of accomplishment, in fact sometimes I fight uselessness, as a feeling. I am left with thoughts about what I could have achieved or I would have liked to do with my time,  wondering what I would do if I was in my country, what if I was on my farm....possibly started on the distant agri business dream, how I could possibly help my family’s’ needs relating to their wellness and the list runs long. At some point continuing to look at what I couldn’t do is very exhausting so I decided to look back and say If I haven’t achieved or accomplished lots of things then what did I do at all?

I realized I didn’t accomplish much and that in itself is something big that I achieved in last 20 years of my life. Over the past few months I experienced what it means  when I was not doing much to fill my days with lots of activities. In all the available time, I exercised freely, I meditated by choice, I did not miss any of my dance classes . I met more families regularly than I did before. I spent immense time with my children. I have complete control on my now clean house! I could turn out some delicious traditional dishes that I always outsourced and even started growing herbs. In fact by not doing anything (in my own thinking learning a new professional skill, doing a course or picking up a certification), I found a space to be stress-free, to not be overly anticipating the future and taking each day as it comes. 

Going forward when somebody asks me what have you been up to? I will be lot more comfortable to say I’m doing nothing much these days and then smile to myself because I know what not doing anything really means to me now.

Rome

Three days in Rome on my first ever solo trip was fascinating and fulfilling. I am left with a feeling that ancient Roman Empire was significantly about Power and Politics. The stories of Romulus, Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, Nero, the Trojan war, the history of the Vatican all contributing to this impression. The architecture  is wonderful, the need for luxury is evident. The story of the gladiators  and the entire slavery and social class divisions, women being the second rated citizens in general  was kind of a logic, power, glamour, riches personified with a soul missing. Of course history is created by what is narrated but I heard the same from three different guides and felt it through their stories.

Apart from the history, Rome as a city is beautiful. The food is great, people are extremely friendly and Gelato makes a great dessert for sure. The roads are broad with large pavements giving the impression of the great expanse of the Romans. All buildings seem to have equal number of floors as if the entire city is a well planned, intricately crafted mock up.

Some unexpected moments of the tour include the accidental Thai massage, my wallet soaked in water with my water bottle leaking in my bag, GPS signal failing when I had 10 mins to reach the meeting point for my guided tour and a complete loss of address for another tour, another minute of delay meant I could no longer see the Domus aurea tour. I narrowly escaped losing on one of the better parts of my trip.I discovered John Keats, romanticism as a genre and grotesque as an art form.

All in all, A beautiful time for myself in a gorgeous place! I found the energy in being by myself discovering a new world, with no one around to share with immediately helps to soak all of it yourself.

 Today when Italy is so badly hit with the Corona pandemic ,  I feel extra privileged experiencing a slice of  its beauty, the history and its unique charm.

A test of Self Discipline - Free Rein

What is self discipline? I asked my two children on the dinner table continuing a conversation that seemed to be at loggerheads with the subject.

In the Covid 19, first lockdown Scenario, the unexpected absence of school form, access to new freedom, passing over of screen time tracking and bedtime as the normal was making the adaptation harder. 

Back at the table, the silence felt loud,  while we all warmed up to engage in the conversation.

The first chance to answer such questions typically goes to the older one who just entered secondary school. She managed to explain the definition as disciplining oneself. “Is it necessary ...why?” I asked. “Without it, I am doing whatever I want.” She said. “Examples...”. She went on to explain the points what she was meant to do, had the potential to do but wasn’t doing on a “regular basis”. For a 11 year old, her maturity made me proud. I wanted to go across the table and give her a tight hug. In contrast, I continued to keep my tone and posture , succumbing to the pressure of acceptable social behavior(as per my reference) to create the right impact in the setting.

Our initial plan was to bring this up only with our daughter and let our second one, a seven year old in his mid primary, observe, listen and learn. As we summarized with her, he seemed to be primed for his turn. He did a good job of absorbing and creatively reproducing what he just heard. Surprisingly, he added that he cannot be self disciplined every moment and every day(pleased again and completely understandable). We all agreed on some means as a regular check if they are following self discipline or not. 

Phew! We navigated through that conversation smoothly without remarks like “oh well! our world is different from what you grew up in”, or “Fine ma....but It does’nt work for me” leading the conversation nowhere. 

Over the last few days our approach progressed from Instructions to Questions - “Is this a part of self discipline we agreed?” Consequently, it’s a lot less directing, explaining and saving energy from cause and effect of every action. It triggers a non intrusive transition to action against arguments. The success of this conversation narrowly missing a cul-de-sac, stuck me with ease. Do you see it already? If you said equiry... I would say Bingo! 

It is working! I hope sincerely,  this has a longer shelf life because it has brought a considerable harmony in what is and needs to be.......and reinforced in me the power of questioning, also in parenting.  

The Organizational Terroir

Terroir  in simple words means a terrain. In the context of wine making it is the all encompassing eco system that contributes to the final taste of wine. The fascinating journey of planting  the grapes 🍇 , the sun or rain 🌧 the vines receive and absorb , the stage of ripeness when it is harvested and stored and the innumerable other factors that develop a unique taste of wine.

An organizational terroir has an equal bearing on the final output of every employee. Few organizations are able to harvest different abilities of employees lending a unique output not only  for the employees as individuals but also for their teams and organizations.

Holland In the Summer of 2019

one Of the biggest excitement of moving to France was to see the whole of Europe , something that is praised, looked forward to and has many dream holiday destinations. So when we were planning for the short summer holidays for a week. We chose Holland, called Netherlands now. With the mad rush just before we left we packed just apt for the holiday, a couple of hours before the flight.

We had a pleasant on time flight from Toulouse to Amsterdam. Since my Sil and niece were joining us there , there was a different excitement. That’s my idea of a holiday  - a new place to discover, with family, meeting friends, getting a real taste of the local culture and food. The holiday to Amsterdam and Rotterdam fit all of these perfectly.

We found Amsterdam a city that enthusiastically accommodated many different cultures. We found many Indians everywhere we went which we are not used to in France. We had an Indian couple, old friends settled in Amsterdam for a few years, another family with Indian origin moved there during the Ww II and incidentally met an old college friend and family at the airport while our flight was cancelled and rescheduled for two days later. We also found a lot of Indian food , an authentic one even in Almere which is a small town about 40 Kms from Amsterdam where we were forced to find a hotel when our flight was cancelled. I enjoyed every bit of the desi ness we found around

It was fascinating to discover the history of Amsterdam, how it’s name came to be since it originated from a dam built on the Amstel river , it’s prominence as a port city and all that it brought to the city during the WWll. The country first learnt their tax system from the French. We learnt on the home ground the story of Anne Frank and the pain the Jews experienced seeing through her eyes was indeed touching.

The beauty of the city amidst the hustling and bustling is appealing. With beautiful flowers 💐 everywhere, even on the busiest streets, with the canals and bridges that break the monotony of the busy roads, the beautiful architecture not limited to the centre of the city, is fascinating. The windmills, especially our visit to Zaanse Schaans, a village close to Amsterdam with multiple windmills, green landscape, simple village homes and small industries in some of these village homes 🏘 , took us to a very different world where life seemed, slow, calm and happy 😃. 

We also enjoyed museums around children’s interests Madame Tussads and Body worlds. I particularly enjoyed the elements of what causes us happiness reinforcing from the body worlds messages and must admit that I ignored the body parts and the science behind them, that’s just me choosing what I like better and completely ignoring what I cannot relate to, when both are hand in hand.

The best part of our trip was still to come. After three days in Amsterdam, we were heading to Rotterdam , the second largest port in Holland. It being an industrial city/ more a town,  we weren’t sure what we would do. The best part was our stay at Ss Rotterdam, a real ship that sailed for many decades between Holland and America and is now docked and converted into a Hotel. It was exciting to live on a real ship 🚢. Sitting at the deck each evening to enjoy the evening snack while watching the children play in the pool was a treat and true relaxation.We did a harbour tour and admired the much appreciated architecture of Rotterdam buildings and the beauty of old and new buildings together. The mackerel was a truly eye tonic too with the large food shops underneath. The highlight was Iras birthday with a special cake and interspersed gifts and welcome specially for her from the hotel.It inspired us to plan for a short cruise soon.

While we prepared ourselves to end our beautiful holiday, we had an unexpected surprise of our flight cancellation awaiting us. While it was initially quite stressful with our baggage checked in and no support from the airlines for hotel booking. Finally it wasn’t so difficult and we thoroughly enjoyed the extended two days until the airlines made alternate arrangements for our flight back home.

All in All the trip did all the magic a holiday could do, we came back refreshed , relaxed and happy.